It’s two a.m. on a Monday night.
I have to be up for work in less
than four hours, but I can’t sleep.
Sitting in an old leather swivel chair,
remnants of my dinner on my desk,
my body bathed in the off-white glow
of the screen. My hands tremble as
I reach towards the keyboard because-
SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET!
The desecration flips some primal switch buried
deep inside my hindbrain. My fingers fly furiously
across the keys, sweeping me through Wikipedia entries
and news articles about the most recent studies,
always making certain to be sure to cite my sources.
I will not be outguessed, out-Googled, or outmaneuvered.
It doesn’t matter what you’ve got to say about my momma
if you don’t have the documentation to prove it-
YOU ARE BEING WRONG ON THE INTERNET!
I’ve personally composed treatises on network television shows
that I barely even watch. I once got into an argument about
Asian empowerment, completely by accident. Now, I’m afraid of
pro-equality ninjas showing up at my house at night.
Now I’m afraid I’m being racist by automatically associating Asian people
with ninjas. I don’t know what to say anymore. There are no recent studies
citing the exact percentage of Asian people that also happen to be ninjas,
so its impossible to be politically correct about the issue-
YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG ON THE INTERNET!
Facebook now owns so much of my intellectual
property that it was factored into their IPO, but if
you Google my name all you’ll find are a few failed blogs,
the poetry contest I once won back in high school,
and a YouTube video that my coworkers keep watching.
Its a selective sort of anonymity at best, and I’m not sure
that I like having anything on that menu at all.
If you care enough, dig deeply enough,
you can find out almost anything about anyone,
and I have not always been the person I wanted to be.
Do I need an apology posted for the past-me’s?
Does it have to be the first thing that you find out?
I would much prefer to focus on who I am now, but I guess
that there are reasons, even good reasons, for a resume.
So here we go:
I HAVE BEEN WRONG, BUT
I’M GETTING BETTER ABOUT IT.
The Internet replies: